What’s My Line?
So simple, and yet so diverting: A gaggle of panelists attempts to discern what someone does or sells for a living, asking questions like, “Can it be folded?” or “Is it bigger than a bread box?” Imagine what would happen if the panelists encountered a do-nothing celebritard like Kevin Federline or Kim Kardashian—it'd be like watching a salad fork try to recite the Pythagorean theorem.




Press Your Luck
We'd prefer this show on HBO, where we could hear something like, "No whammy, no whammy, no whammy, no whammy, no… Screw! A whammy! Screw, screw, fuckety-screw-screw, screw! I fucking hate you, whammy! Screw!"




Supermarket Sweep
Let’s not bring it back in its original form, in which dippy married couples darted about the supermarket to see how many turkeys they could fit in their cart. No, we propose a Russian roulette version, in which all but one bird is loaded neck to ass full of dynamite. Winner. Takes. All. And the janitorial staff cleans up the carnage, for health and safety reasons of course.



The Dating Game
Perhaps the nuttiest game show of all time—and that’s without producer Chuck Barris’ contention that it was a front for the CIA. Amazingly, it snared a few A-list contestants: Farrah Fawcett, Burt Reynolds, Arnold Schwarzenegger, even Michael Jackson (imagine the bachelorette’s glee upon learning she’d unwittingly chosen him for a night of sexless companionship!). Meeting someone this way is probably no less bizarre or likely to lead to quasi-religious rapture than doing so on eHarmony.




Match Game
The whole fill-in-the-blank thing could lead to civil insurrection in this post-Nipplegate era, especially as the show—brought to you by Fox, of course—gets randier to keep 21st-century viewers interested. Imagine a line like, "That woman in the fruit aisle sure looks troubled. I wonder if she needs help with her ______." A punny answer like, "Cantaloupes," would probably sink the network, if not democracy itself.