DC Comics is sore from spending all of 2008 patting itself on the back over The Dark Knight, but maybe they should take a moment to explain why the rest of their catalog of heroes is having a harder time finding film work than the Coreys.

First, rumors were swirling that Bryan Singer was prepping The Man of Steel, a sequel to Superman Returns. Then Superman Returns actually came out. Suddenly, Big Blue wasn't the cock of the walk anymore, being less associated with the phrase "Most Powerful Superhero in the World" and more associated with the cries of "For the love of god, WILL SOMETHING HAPPEN IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE??"

Then, Wonder Woman stepped up. It made sense, seeing as she, alongside Supes and Batman, constitute DC Comics' "Big Three." But then that movie got lodged in development hell like some half-chewed steak in Joel Silver's esophagus. Rumors of casting quickly gave way to rumors of Diana being put back on the shelf.

Enter George Miller. The Mad Max director was all set to bring The Justice League - the DC Comics equivalent of the Dream Team - to the big screen. But he couldn't use Batman. Or Superman. Suddenly, what he thought was going to be the 80s Edmonton Oilers turned out to be the late 70s Washington Capitals. And the movie, predictably, died.

Now comes word - straight from the screenwriter's fingers - that the long-in-development Captain Marvel movie (you know, "Shazam!") is the latest DC property to be pronounced DOA. It wasn't long ago that Dwayne "Only Journalists Still Refer to Me as The Rock" Johnson seemed all set to play Marvel's main villain Black Adam (why does it have to be Black Adam? Huh?), and all systems were poised on "Go." Yeah, not so much.

So what's wrong? How can Marvel greenlight an ANT MAN MOVIE and DC can't launch anything that isn't dressed in a black cowl and punching Heath Ledger?

Maybe it's because...hear us out...DC Superheroes Are Lame.



Exhibit A: Captain Marvel is the alter ego of Billy Batson - a 10 year old who (cough) follows an old "wizard" into a subway tunnel (cough) and emerges with the power to turn himself into a buff adult (cough). Yeah, it's creepy as hell. Maybe someone realized that any hero whose origin story should have been interrupted midway through by Dateline's Chris Hansen isn't a solid movie property.

Exhibit B: On paper, Wonder Woman is hot. In reality...



...yeah, that costume is humilating at best.

Exhibit C: How cool can Green Lanterns be when this fucking guy...



...can be one? Exactly. Any wonder Robert Smigel attempted to develop Green Lantern into a goofball comedy starring Jack Black?

Exhibit D: Superman can't be killed, won't kill, and lives his life by the moral code of a 1930s farmer. Our superpower, apparently, is the ability to yawn for 70 years straight. Who knew?

So even though Marvel occasionally craps out a Ghost Rider, you have to give them props for having the cooler roster. Know why Batman rocks? Because he's the most Marvel of the DC canon. That's right, I said it. What?