Checklist
• 1 pair stereo multimedia microphones with 3.5 mm plugs
• Utility knife
• Stethoscope (check your local drugstore)
• Power drill
• Glue gun
• 3.5 mm Stereo Y adapter
• Recordable MP3 or tape player
• Acute paranoia

Step 1
With an empty glass against the wall, you can’t discern whether your girlfriend just said, “I want to be naughty for you,” or, “I’m glad I TiVo’d The View.” But with this creepy contraption, you can now capture—and record—her voice with clarity. First, pry open the buds of the microphones with the utility knife so you can access what’s inside.

Step 2
The microphones just won’t fit in the stethoscope, no matter how much Astroglide you use? Take the earbuds off the ’scope and drill out the top hole just wide enough for the mikes to fit nice and snug, just like that adult diaper you secretly wear.

Step 3
Put some glue in the earpieces and insert the business end of the mikes facing in; allow them to dry, then put the earpieces back on the stethoscope. Keep plugging away—pretty soon your paranoid delusions will become a painful reality!

Step 4
Connect the 3.5 mm wires into the Y adapter and hook that up to your MP3 player. Now go record what your girlfriend, boss, or neighbor is saying and post it on the Internet. With spy gear this cheap, you’ll have plenty of cash left for legal fees.*

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Tired of the stale cookies in first-class? Then pilot your own damn plane—the Icon A5, an amphibious light sport aircraft that you can park in the garage thanks to its folding wings. The carbon-fiber airframe on this little two-seater is lighter than aluminum and stronger, too, which you’ll appreciate when you plow through a flock of geese. The 100 hp engine tops out at around 120 mph and will haul you and a passenger up to 10,000 feet and as far as 350 miles on one tank. When you’re ready to land, you can put her down on solid ground or water. All that’s left to do is fold it up and tow it home…and while away the wee hours making entries in your cloud diary. That one looked just like a puppy!

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1. The Drum Kit
Yep, this looks like your set from Rock Band. But mastering these may actually help you get girls. The Roland HD-1 is a ridiculously cool, compact digital drum kit that allows you to choose from 10 different setups. A mixable external input (plug your iPod in) will allow you to play along with 1998’s greatest hits, forever. $999, rolandus.com

2. The Keyboard
The supersmall M-Audio Axiom 25 USB-interfacing MIDI controller may look like a mini-me keyboard, but it’s got semiweighted keys, trigger pads, and assignable knobs usu­ally found on big-boy sequencers. A compact footprint makes it great for desktops, and the lightweight body is more road-ready than your van. $240, m-audio.com

3. The Mixer
The Sony Xross Fade miniaturizes a superclub DJ booth and sets it up in your sitting room. It’s got a built-in two-channel mixer, cross-fader, and monitor queue that enables clean DJ-style mixing off of two iPods. It supports turntable computer playback via USB, so you can mix your new track into the playlist and see if your jam can hang with Nelly’s. $500, sonystyle.com

4. The Headphones
You may think you’re recording the club banger of all time, but that doesn’t mean your neighbors agree. Clamp on the noise-canceling Beats by Dr. Dre headphones and get big sound without getting evicted. Dre himself patterned their sound after the tight, bass-heavy mix he likes to smoke spliffs to in the studio. $350, beatsbydre.com

5. The Guitar
Inside the metallic platinum First Act VE591 guitar beats the heart of the home recorder. A built-in preamp allows you to plug directly into a home stereo, com­-puter console, or mixing board. Flick a switch and this basswood solid-body can plug into any amp in any VFW hall or state fair that’ll hire you. $300, firstact.com

6. The Mic
The Samson G-Track desktop mic records vocals and aguitar simul­taneously via a line-in. All you need is a laptop and a dream to be the next YouTube singing star. And a prettier face. $149, samsontech.com

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Back in the 1990s, Americans were evidently too stupid to realize that bitter beer tastes better, launching whole ad campaigns that mocked sufferers of bitter beer face. Once again, the Germans have come to our rescue.

Now those of you with a hankering for hops can carry them around in this custom Pocket Hops dispenser and add them to any beer to hop it up. Simply dole out the recommended dose, tap the concentrated powder into your favorite flavorless brew, and get wincing.

You can take it with you to keggers, stein hoists, bladder busts, the ballpark—anywhere that serves shitty beer. Or just take it with you to the post office and threaten an anthrax outbreak if they don’t open a second window. Like Vince from Shamwow says, “It’s made in Germany—you know the Germans always make good stuff.”

We tried it, and as promised, our beer became decidedly bitterer. Though, if we pay $25 dollars for three grams of white powder, this isn’t how we intend to get hopped up, just sayin’.

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We unveiled our RPM Awards in the November issue of Maxim, featuring the seven of the sweetest rides 2008 has to offer. The Honor Roll is the best of the rest…


HORSEPOWER TO THE PEOPLE AWARD
2009 Pontiac G8 GXP
Not only does the Pontiac G8 GXP get a 402-horsepower V-8 engine plucked from the ’Vette, but it does so at a bargain-basement price of less than 40 grand. Cue the Darwin Awards!

THIRSTIEST RIDE 2009
Honda Fit
The tiny, fuel-efficient Fit isn’t much bigger than a Smart car, but it boasts 10 cup­holders. Drink up!

WORST MODEL DEATH
2008 BMW Z4 M Coupe
This supercoupe was a Bavarian cobra, an iconoclastic beauty with 330 hp and more pure bite than anything this side of the Lotus Exige. Too bad nobody bought the damn thing. The Z4 is now spinning its wheels in its grave—though its spirit will live on in Larry’s Discount Used Car Lot.

MOST SEDUCTIVE SEATS
Maybach Landaulet
This backseat is more spacious than a Manhattan hotel room, with a decadent al fresco roof and sexily adjustable seats that will have the ladies gasping before you make a move. Raise the sliding privacy panel to keep your creepy chauffeur’s eyes on the road. If this car can’t get you laid, you really did waste $1.35 million.

“FLOOR IT!” AWARD
Island Pond, Vermont
The coast is clear: After 25 years residents dumped Ted Miller, the constable who made this rural Vermont intersection a notorious speed trap. Miller was a Tolstoy of tickets; his prolific and imaginative citations—including “Stop Not Sincere”—totaled more than $100,000 in 2007, 10 percent of the town’s revenue. This spring merchants fed up with Miller’s tactics helped a 28-year-old with no police experience oust him from office.

BEST PLACE TO SPY FUTURE GM CARS
The Set of Transformers 2
The Nürburgring is so 2007. To get the real scoop on future GM rides, look for online photos of the set of Transformers 2, a veritable celluloid showroom of shamelessly hawked GM vehicles. The question is: Are the Chevy Volt and Corvette Centennial Coupe worthy replacements for a plot line and character development?


BEST CAR TO BLOW YOUR EARDRUMS
2009 Jaguar XF
The Jaguar XF sounds as pretty as it looks, with an audiophile sound system by Bowers & Wilkins, the U.K. audio designer whose reference speakers became a staple of classic recording studios from Abbey Road to Deutsche Grammophon. The 14-speaker system features B&W’s nuanced sound and sparkling separation, with Kevlar speakers and aluminum tweeter domes. If you just overdosed on all that audiophile douchery, we advise you to lie down in a quiet room for a while.

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