Captain Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger III is being hailed as a hero, and rightfully so. It takes some serious balls to land a plane in a river without turning your passengers into shark food. (Brownie points for avoiding the already decomposing bodies in the Hudson.) That got us to thinking about other captains that kick ass…and others that could've stayed a couple more semesters at Captain School.

THE BEST
Captain James T. Kirk: Love him or hate him, this captain always kicked ass. He was the original Ultimate Fighter, combining Judo, Ninjutsu, WWE chair-smash wrestling, and old-fashion Three-Stooge fisticuffs to whoop up on anyone and anything, while simultaneously seducing hot alien chicks and saving the crew of the Enterprise.


Captain Morgan: Although his stance has been replicated too often by old, naked men in gym locker rooms, this Captain’s rum has helped the young'ins get laid more than David Hasselhoff at a Night Rider convention.

Captain Caveman:  The steroid-raged cartoon caveman has serious speech issues, is hairier than Robin Williams, and still had three Teen Angels that wanted to rock his bedrock. Probably because he has a really huge...wooden club.



Captain America: Because when Captain America throws his mighty shield, all those who chose to oppose his shield must yield. (DON’T BE A COMMIE, SING WITH US!) If he’s led to a fight and a duel is due, then the red and white and the blue’ll come through, when Captain America throws his mighty shield.


Captain Jack Sparrow: He captained the Black Pearl, defeated Davy Jones, and Keith Richards (Captain Teague) is his dad. He probably smells like expired George Muresan cologne, however.

Captain Ahab: If you can get past the fact that he steered a ship called the Pequod, you’ll appreciate his one-track mind to seek revenge on an elephantine whale that ate his leg. (We'd go into more detail, but we're only up to page 32 in the Cliff Notes.)



 Cap'n Crunch: Two words: Sugary goodness.



THE WORST

Captain Stubing: He’s the exact opposite of Captain Kirk. He never beat anyone up and we don’t ever remember him hooking up with any of the girls. Which wouldn’t be too bad, except that he was the captain of the friggin’ “LOVE BOAT!” Hello?!




Captain EO: This captain (aka Michael Jackson) used the power of song and dance to fight evil. We tried doing the same, but only got atomic wedgies in return. Thanks, Mike!

Captain & Tennille: Tennille always had a smile on her face, so man must have been doing something right. But, wearing a captain’s hat and playing double synthesizers? 

Captain Kangaroo: Oh, where to begin? The haircut, the suit, and the puppet moose don’t exactly instill confidence. And his biggest crisis was being pelted by ping-pong balls.


Captain Lou Albano: He once proclaimed that he "found" Cindi Lauper and made her what she is. Anyone who even claims to have unleashed "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" upon the masses deserves general scorn. Hell, we’re pretty sure he’s not even a real captain. 

Captain Hook: Sure, he has the metal hook hand and his dastardly 'stache, but we're hard pressed to validate someone who's credentials include fighting a Spandex-clad kid named Peter Pan.