1. The Drum Kit
Yep, this looks like your set from Rock Band. But mastering these may actually help you get girls. The Roland HD-1 is a ridiculously cool, compact digital drum kit that allows you to choose from 10 different setups. A mixable external input (plug your iPod in) will allow you to play along with 1998’s greatest hits, forever. $999, rolandus.com

2. The Keyboard
The supersmall M-Audio Axiom 25 USB-interfacing MIDI controller may look like a mini-me keyboard, but it’s got semiweighted keys, trigger pads, and assignable knobs usu­ally found on big-boy sequencers. A compact footprint makes it great for desktops, and the lightweight body is more road-ready than your van. $240, m-audio.com

3. The Mixer
The Sony Xross Fade miniaturizes a superclub DJ booth and sets it up in your sitting room. It’s got a built-in two-channel mixer, cross-fader, and monitor queue that enables clean DJ-style mixing off of two iPods. It supports turntable computer playback via USB, so you can mix your new track into the playlist and see if your jam can hang with Nelly’s. $500, sonystyle.com

4. The Headphones
You may think you’re recording the club banger of all time, but that doesn’t mean your neighbors agree. Clamp on the noise-canceling Beats by Dr. Dre headphones and get big sound without getting evicted. Dre himself patterned their sound after the tight, bass-heavy mix he likes to smoke spliffs to in the studio. $350, beatsbydre.com

5. The Guitar
Inside the metallic platinum First Act VE591 guitar beats the heart of the home recorder. A built-in preamp allows you to plug directly into a home stereo, com­-puter console, or mixing board. Flick a switch and this basswood solid-body can plug into any amp in any VFW hall or state fair that’ll hire you. $300, firstact.com

6. The Mic
The Samson G-Track desktop mic records vocals and aguitar simul­taneously via a line-in. All you need is a laptop and a dream to be the next YouTube singing star. And a prettier face. $149, samsontech.com

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Back in the 1990s, Americans were evidently too stupid to realize that bitter beer tastes better, launching whole ad campaigns that mocked sufferers of bitter beer face. Once again, the Germans have come to our rescue.

Now those of you with a hankering for hops can carry them around in this custom Pocket Hops dispenser and add them to any beer to hop it up. Simply dole out the recommended dose, tap the concentrated powder into your favorite flavorless brew, and get wincing.

You can take it with you to keggers, stein hoists, bladder busts, the ballpark—anywhere that serves shitty beer. Or just take it with you to the post office and threaten an anthrax outbreak if they don’t open a second window. Like Vince from Shamwow says, “It’s made in Germany—you know the Germans always make good stuff.”

We tried it, and as promised, our beer became decidedly bitterer. Though, if we pay $25 dollars for three grams of white powder, this isn’t how we intend to get hopped up, just sayin’.

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We unveiled our RPM Awards in the November issue of Maxim, featuring the seven of the sweetest rides 2008 has to offer. The Honor Roll is the best of the rest…


HORSEPOWER TO THE PEOPLE AWARD
2009 Pontiac G8 GXP
Not only does the Pontiac G8 GXP get a 402-horsepower V-8 engine plucked from the ’Vette, but it does so at a bargain-basement price of less than 40 grand. Cue the Darwin Awards!

THIRSTIEST RIDE 2009
Honda Fit
The tiny, fuel-efficient Fit isn’t much bigger than a Smart car, but it boasts 10 cup­holders. Drink up!

WORST MODEL DEATH
2008 BMW Z4 M Coupe
This supercoupe was a Bavarian cobra, an iconoclastic beauty with 330 hp and more pure bite than anything this side of the Lotus Exige. Too bad nobody bought the damn thing. The Z4 is now spinning its wheels in its grave—though its spirit will live on in Larry’s Discount Used Car Lot.

MOST SEDUCTIVE SEATS
Maybach Landaulet
This backseat is more spacious than a Manhattan hotel room, with a decadent al fresco roof and sexily adjustable seats that will have the ladies gasping before you make a move. Raise the sliding privacy panel to keep your creepy chauffeur’s eyes on the road. If this car can’t get you laid, you really did waste $1.35 million.

“FLOOR IT!” AWARD
Island Pond, Vermont
The coast is clear: After 25 years residents dumped Ted Miller, the constable who made this rural Vermont intersection a notorious speed trap. Miller was a Tolstoy of tickets; his prolific and imaginative citations—including “Stop Not Sincere”—totaled more than $100,000 in 2007, 10 percent of the town’s revenue. This spring merchants fed up with Miller’s tactics helped a 28-year-old with no police experience oust him from office.

BEST PLACE TO SPY FUTURE GM CARS
The Set of Transformers 2
The Nürburgring is so 2007. To get the real scoop on future GM rides, look for online photos of the set of Transformers 2, a veritable celluloid showroom of shamelessly hawked GM vehicles. The question is: Are the Chevy Volt and Corvette Centennial Coupe worthy replacements for a plot line and character development?


BEST CAR TO BLOW YOUR EARDRUMS
2009 Jaguar XF
The Jaguar XF sounds as pretty as it looks, with an audiophile sound system by Bowers & Wilkins, the U.K. audio designer whose reference speakers became a staple of classic recording studios from Abbey Road to Deutsche Grammophon. The 14-speaker system features B&W’s nuanced sound and sparkling separation, with Kevlar speakers and aluminum tweeter domes. If you just overdosed on all that audiophile douchery, we advise you to lie down in a quiet room for a while.

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We unveiled our RPM Awards in the November issue of Maxim, featuring the seven of the sweetest rides 2008 has to offer. The Honor Roll is the best of the rest…


BEST VIEW
2009 Mustang Glass Roof
The view from the Mustang’s new, optional transparent sloping roof should inspire lots of moonlit backseat shenan­igans, though you may need to be a contor­tionist to fit back there. If you are indeed a contortionist, call us!

BEST WAY TO DRIVE THE DODGE CHALLENGER SRT8 WITHOUT PLUNKING DOWN 40 GRAND
Midnight Club: LA (PS3, XBOX 360)
The fourth installment in Rockstar Games’ racing series promotes free-roaming pink-slip races on pedestrian- and vehicle-packed L.A streets. While losing a virtual Challenger won’t sting like surrendering the real thing, our digital hearts will weep.

BEST CAR FOR KLUTZES
2009 Infiniti FX
If you’d love to gobble up some curves in a 390 hp crossover SUV but can’t seem to get out of the driveway without denting the recycling bin, this Infiniti is your dream come true. The $40,950 FX sets the standard for dim-bulb gadgetry, from a 360-degree camera view to an optional system that uses antilock brakes to nudge the car back in line when its pilot drifts into the shoulder.

BEST CUT-RATE CAR RACE
The 24 Hours of LeMons
Forget Formula 1, that silver-spooned celebration of all things snooty: The 24 Hours of LeMons is a race pitting junkmobiles costing no more than $500 against each other in a battle royal. The result? Pure motorsports magic…and a whole lot of noxious fumes. Check 24hoursoflemons.com to enter your P.O.S. ride in the race nearest you.

THE PRODUCT PLACEMENT AWARD
Saturn Dresses on Project Runway
The automotive and fashion worlds collided with dazzling synergy on season five of Bravo’s Project Runway when contestants were asked to cobble together a high-fashion look out of discarded Saturn car parts. While viewers waited for another Heidi Klum appearance, air filters, seat belts, and seat covers were quickly sewn into ill-conceived couture. Seriously, we wouldn’t be caught dead in anything less than a BMW camisole!

KILLER FROM KOREA AWARD
2009 Hyundai Genesis
By “Killer” we’re not talking Kim Jong-il. The game-changing Genesis offers 300+ hp performance and a luxe interior rivaling BMW’s 5-Series at a price cut of more than $12,000 (list: $37,250). Hey, all it takes is some dental floss and a hair dryer to remove those hyundai badges.

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We unveiled our RPM Awards in the November issue of Maxim, featuring the seven of the sweetest rides 2008 has to offer. The Honor Roll is the best of the rest…


MOST AROUSING DESIGN 2009
Maserati GranTurismo
While most cars are designed using a bunch of straight lines and a few curves, the $135,000 GranTurismo is as voluptuous as a Brazilian bombshell: Not a straight line on the damn thing. Who says you can’t drive the girl of your dreams?

GUERRILLA MARKETING AWARD
BMW’s Rampenfest
Rampenfest feels like a Christopher Guest flick for a reason: This online doc about a small German town’s attempts to build a ginormous ramp and launch a BMW 1-Series across the Atlantic is as authentic as a $22 Rolex. The town might be fictitious, and the Facebook account for the film’s director might be fake, but the flick’s 10 million Web site views are real.

THE NAPOLEON AWARD
Bruce Weiner’s Microcar Museum
Tucked away in a nondescript building just outside Atlanta is a stash of Goggomobils, Mes­serschmitts, and other pocket-size postwar buggi­es that are small enough to make Smart cars look like Freightliners. The pet project of gazillionaire car fiend Bruce Weiner, the Microcar Museum is proof that you don’t have to be an eco-weenie to dig tiny rides.

MOST HEARTBREAKING MOVIE SCENE
Bruce Wayne Wrecks a Real Lamborghini
The box office wasn’t the only thing mega-blockbuster flick The Dark Night smashed. We teared up during that chase scene when Christian Bale’s Bruce Wayne crashes a non-CGI Lamborghini Murciélago LP640. The Italian company lent the film three of the $354,000 supercars; only two made it back. We haven’t been this choked up since Splash. Someone hand us a shammy cloth!

BEST REASON TO STAGE A HEIST
The Aston Martin One-77
Because the Bugatti Veyron is so 2006, Aston Martin’s gone and introduced the One-77, which is now in development and will be custom-built for 77 rich bastards. You’ll be hearing about its hand-built aluminum body, 7.0-liter V-12, and estimated $2.1 million price tag for years to come. But you read about it here first.

MOMMY-MOBILE WE WOULD ACTUALLY DRIVE
2009 Mazda6
It’s not too often that we lust after practical rides, but the 272 hp Mazda6 offers more BMW-like personality than any mass-produced Japanese sedan deserves. This $19,220 rice rocket will make driving enthusiasts proud, and it has plenty of trunk space for bulk purchases of mom jeans.

 

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